


ghostin. | james potter

by prfctethereal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, this is just sad i’m sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prfctethereal/pseuds/prfctethereal
Summary: [Y/N] deals with James and Lily’s death, with being in love with James, but being with Remus Lupin.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Reader, Remus Lupin/Reader
Kudos: 10





	ghostin. | james potter

Ever since I knew what love was, there had only been one person in my heart. Only one person could make me laugh, could make me smile, could make me feel pure ecstasy, but he was just out of reach.

Our friendship blossomed beautifully throughout our years at Hogwarts. Those evenings in the library spent gossiping, chatting, arms thrown around each other, bathing in each other’s presence. Something so special that was ours. Every moment spent with him was one I remembered forever, locked away in the darkest depths of my soul, knowing that it was for my eye’s only.

James Potter and I were close, exceptionally close. He had been my first friend I met at Hogwarts and was certainly not my last. Though I met others, the connection I made with James never faltered. That was the problem. I admired him too much.

It wasn’t my fault when the time we spent with each other changed. It wasn’t my fault when my eyes lingered over his a little longer than I intended to. It wasn’t my fault that my stomach fluttered everytime his fingers brushed over mine. I didn’t intend on falling in love with him, but I did.

Yet, James never looked at me that way. I endured it, year after year, watching him pine after perfect Lily Evans, the most gorgeous, charming girl in our year. James was in love with her, instead of me. Unfortunately, we were still close as anything, which let him confide in me all this time.

Sixth year. Lying across James’ lap, I carefully flicked through the pages of my potions book, unable to complete my homework, but feeling the need to be productive. Feeling the need to be close to James. Moments had passed and we were the only ones left in the common room. My eyes had drifted away from my book and flickered upwards towards his face.

The faint light of the fireplace illuminated his features. His soft hazel eyes shone bright, with flecks of blue and green shining in the light. Shadows cast down on his face, accentuating his features. My hand played gently with his hair unconsciously as I tried desperately hard to concentrate on my work, but I couldn’t. But nothing good can last forever.

“[Y/N]?” James muttered softly, breaking my ever so strong attention from his face. I fluttered my eyelids self consciously, turning back towards my book.

“Hm?” I answered, acting calm, even though my heart was beating out of my chest. His voice was soft and gentle, soothing my anxious thoughts.

“Do you think Lily knows how much I love her?” And in that moment, my heart shattered into a million pieces. It was that moment that I knew that my love for James was unrequited. I met his eyes in that moment and I searched them for anything I could find, desperation hoping for something, even if I didn’t quite know what I was looking for.

“H-how much do you love her?” I stumbled over my words, my voice croaking out as I held back the emotion I felt. Something flickered in James’ eyes at that moment, but was swept away by a grin the size of Jupiter creeping up his cheeks.

“More than anything.” He said. Whatever love that was showing in James’ eyes weren’t for me and would never be for me. Lying in James’ lap, I decided that I needed to push down any feelings I felt for him, for the good of my own heart. I couldn’t love James any longer.

So I settled. Remus Lupin was one of James’ friends, naturally making him one of mine. Not long after James and Lily had finally gotten together, I noticed eyes lingering on me, the same way I had looked at James. Well, the same way I still looked at James.

Remus was quaint, soft, and supportive. He was comfortable. He may not have been everything I had ever dreamed of but he truly looked at me as if I was his world, and I loved him. 

I wasn’t in love with him, like I was with James, but I loved him.

***

Halloween. 1981. Warm air drifted in through the window of my home that I shared with Remus. Nervously, I sipped quietly on my tea, palming through an old edition of the Daily Prophet from a few days ago, toying anxiously with the engagement ring around my finger.

Of course I said yes when Remus got down on one knee; I would’ve been foolish not to. His pleading eyes looking up at me with admiration and affection melted my heart. Before I registered the situation, the words fell out of my mouth. Now, I had a wedding to plan, one with the man I didn’t love.

The dining room table was littered with bits and pieces for our wedding. Cloths and cards picked out specifically, each with the intention of pleasing the eye. In front of me laid the sketch of the dress I was supposed to wear, the one I drew when I was just a little girl, who dreamed of her big day in white. A tear fell down my cheek as I remembered that I could never wear that dress to my own wedding. Lily had fallen in love with the same dress and asked if she could use the design for her own wedding dress. Sheepishly, I agree, immediately regretting. Not only did Lily marry the man I loved but she married him in the dress I loved too.

The memories of James and Lily’s day came flooding back into my head. A bright day in the summer of 1978 was filled with joy as I helped pin Lily’s dress a few hours before she would be walking down the aisle. I had my work cut out as I perfected Lily’s gown, certain on having her look like a princess. Her auburn hair was pulled gently into an elegant bun at the back of her head. Green eyes gleamed with excitement as she thumbed the soft material of the dress cascading down her. I couldn’t help but wonder what I would look like in the dress. I couldn’t help but wonder what I would look like walking down the aisle instead.

“It’s absolutely gorgeous, [Y/N]. I love it more than anything.” Lily gasped as she looked at herself in the mirror. More than anything. The words stung deeply, my hand wiping across my cheek to stop a tear from rolling down. Lily’s face dropped as she saw my solemn state. 

“What’s wrong?” Lily crouched down next to me, resting her hand on my back, gently tracing circles to calm me down. Looking back at her, I smiled, not wanting to ruin her day.

“You just look so beautiful.” I lied through my teeth, standing up from my position and heading for the door. “I just need to grab some more pins and I’ll be back.” I muttered while racing out of the room.

Tears were pouring down my face now like a thunderstorm. I tried to compose myself but I couldn’t, running away, far away, the destination unclear in my mind. The next thing I knew, I had bumped into a person, falling into their arms. Unsure of who it was, I stayed in their arms, falling to the ground, about to pass out from exhaustion.

As I looked up, my eyes met the eyes of none other than the groom himself. Concern boiled up in his irises as he looked down at me. Smiling as I felt his fingers stroke the soft skin of my arms reassuring me, he helped me up to a standing position, keeping one arm firm on my waist so I didn’t topple over again.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, love?” The nickname James used hurt more than he could imagine, but I kept smiling, not wanting to ruin his special day.

“She looks so beautiful,” I started, talking about Lily, his future wife. “She looks like a goddess, I just know I’ll never get to look like that.” I tried to laugh to lighten the tension but it only resulted in James pulling me into an inviting hug.

“Don’t say that.” James whispered, his soft voice sending goosebumps down my spine. “One day when you get married, you will too.”

A moment passed as I just stayed in James’ arms, not wanting to let go. The moment was ruined unfortunately when James spoke again. “Remus is one lucky guy.”

My heart dropped, pulling away awkwardly, tucking my arms close to my side. “Haha, yeah, um, Lily is one lucky girl.”

In a flash, my eyes looked up to meet James. His grasp had pulled me close to him once again, my eyes darting from his eyes to his lips repeatedly, his doing the same. I was so close to him; an inch or two closer and we would’ve kissed. 

“Where’s Lily?” A voice from down the hall snapped up both out of our trance. James immediately pushed me away from his body, looking for the source of the noise. From around the corner, Sirius appeared, all dressed up in his best man tuxedo. I smiled naturally, heading off to look for Lily, the girl who was about to marry the love of my life.

Looking back at that day, I could’ve said something. I could’ve objected to the union, but seeing the look on James’ face when he saw Lily walk down the aisle was priceless. I would’ve been a criminal to rob James of that happiness. So I had stayed silent in the pews. I said nothing.

A few tears had fallen on the table, pulling me back to the present. It was Halloween. By now, all the trick or treaters had dispersed, leaving a quiet hum of the tree breeze alone. Remus would be home soon from a meeting with the Order. Yet, he should’ve been home an hour ago. Anxiety rushed through my veins, until I heard a knock at the door. I relaxed, opening the door.

Instead of seeing my normally happy, calm husband, I saw my husband, puffy eyed, tears brimming in the corners of his eyes. Then, he collapsed on the ground outside the door. Rushing to him, I enveloped him in a gentle hug, letting him sob into my neck.

It had been a few months since I last saw Remus cry like this, which made me on edge. Last time he was in this state, someone had died. Now I was just waiting for the news.

Yet, he kept crying. For at least ten minutes, he sobbed into my shoulder, the warm wind passing us every now and then. After a moment, he pulled away and stood up with no words, leaving me on the ground. I followed him, putting the kettle on.

Remus sat wordless on the couch, playing with the ring on his finger like I had been doing not long before. As I brought him a cup of tea, I sat beside him, waiting for him to start speaking, but he never did. All he did was place his hand on my thigh, tenderly stroking it as he looked blankly into the darkness of our house.

“I’m sorry darling.” He eventually spoke, turning to look me in my eyes for the first time that evening. I reacted to his voice, pulling him in close to me. My arm draped over his shoulders, tugging Remus closer to my side. “James and Lily are dead.”

My face dropped. My heart ached. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t process what Remus was saying. My arm fell from his side as I pulled away from his touch. He called out to me but my head didn’t register his words. Hazily, I stood up, needing to be away from him. Nothing seemed right.

Seemingly in a drunken state, I walked up the staircase and found my way into our joined bed. I was sure that Remus was calling to me but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond.

That’s when the tears started falling. Curled up in my bed, I pulled the cover to wipe my eyes, but it was pointless. What was once silent tears was a full on breakdown. My eyes were puffy and crimson, dry as a desert. Throat hoarse from screaming, no proper words could come out my mouth. I was empty.

The man who had stolen my heart, the man whom I loved dearly, was dead. He was the one who spent all those long nights talking to me. He was the one who held my hand when I was too anxious to stand in front of a crowd. He was the one who supported me throughout the strife we went through from the order. He was the one who grounded me when I was distressed. And he was gone.

My bed had never felt colder. My heart had never felt emptier. I was alone.

After what felt like hours, the door to my bedroom opened, a small light blinding my eyes. I didn’t move or even speak as Remus slipped under the covers next to me. I was unable to do anything as he whispered that he loved me and kissed me on my forehead. 

***

Morning broke and the reality of everything had yet to settle in. I had expected that James and Lily’s death would have plagued my nightmares but the opposite effect had happened. My night was full of dreams of James and I, memories of the time we had spent together coming back to me. Memories that I once thought I had lost.

The spot next to me in bed was empty when I turned around so I knew Remus must’ve been downstairs. Quietly, I slipped out of the duvet and trotted downstairs. I didn’t even say good morning as Remus placed a cup of tea in front of me when I sat at the dining table. My eyes darted away, not wanting to face all our wedding planning. It all just felt wrong.

Remus picked up on my hesitation and sat down next to me, sighing. He wasn’t dumb. He knew that I didn’t love him the way he loved me. He knew that my heart was reserved for someone that wasn’t him. He knew that I was in love with James, and so he said so.

“I know you were in love with him.” Remus broke the uncomfortable silence, grabbing my attention. My lip quivered, my eyes threatened to spill out more tears, but he pressed on. “I knew you will never love me the way you loved James, so please [Y/N], tell me.”

“Tell you what.” I mumbled, not daring to look Remus in the eyes, which rubbed salt further into the wound.

“I won’t press you on, as I know you’re hurting, but please, I have to know.” He paused, looking for the right words to say.

“Do you still want to marry me?”

**Author's Note:**

> this is sad i’m sorry.


End file.
